Archived: Want to hear a Joke?
Posted Under: Off-Topic
(Page 4 out of 7): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 2:28 pm | #47
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This well dressed man walks into a bar and asks for a 30 year shot of whiskey. The bar keep gives him a 20 year old bottle of whiskey. The guy drinks it and spits it out!
"What is this? This is 20 year old whiskey! I distinctly requested a 30 year old whiskey! How dare you insult me with your futile alcohol!?"
"I'm sorry sir, I didn't think you'd notice the 10 year difference." Then this dispute continues on and on about how he's not getting the right drink. Then the bar keep gets really angry and decides to give him a drink on the house. The bar keep gives the bar keep a drink for the dressed up guy.
"Here, take this..." he says, and the dressed guy drinks it and spits it out!
"My god! This tastes like urine!" said the dressed up guy.
"It is, now tell me how old I am."
"What is this? This is 20 year old whiskey! I distinctly requested a 30 year old whiskey! How dare you insult me with your futile alcohol!?"
"I'm sorry sir, I didn't think you'd notice the 10 year difference." Then this dispute continues on and on about how he's not getting the right drink. Then the bar keep gets really angry and decides to give him a drink on the house. The bar keep gives the bar keep a drink for the dressed up guy.
"Here, take this..." he says, and the dressed guy drinks it and spits it out!
"My god! This tastes like urine!" said the dressed up guy.
"It is, now tell me how old I am."
Re: Re: Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 2:34 pm | #48
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Quote by Lady Evol:
"Are your parents both retarded? Cause you're really special."
I'm using that.
Re: Re: Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 2:38 pm | #49
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Quote by Lady Evol:
Quote by dudeeericky:
what about them lame pick up lines haha.
is that a mirror in your pants cause i can see myself in them; ) damn goodd!
is that a mirror in your pants cause i can see myself in them; ) damn goodd!
lol I posted these a loooong time ago, but these are my faves:
"Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package."
"Here is $11. Drink until I am really good looking, then come to talk to me."
"I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight." (just hilarious)
"I'm bigger and better than the Titanic ... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic"
"Damn baby, I wish I could plant you in the ground and grow a whole field of you."
"Are your parents both retarded? Cause you're really special."
OH, and my favorite joke that Evol told me when we first met:
Why don't black people like country music?
Spoiler: Click here to toggle spoiler
Because country music sucks!
Country music is awesome.
No really, that's not a joke. I'm cereal.
Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 2:44 pm | #50
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Stole this from my favorite site, entensity.net
10 Truths Black And Hispanic People Know, But White People Won't Admit:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not White.
3. Rap music is here to stay
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year child is too big for a stroller.
8. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
10 Truths White And Black People Know, But Hispanic People Won't Admit:
1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.!
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family
10.Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.
10 Truths White And Hispanic People Know, But Black People Won't Admit:
1. O. J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a kool-aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10.Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car
10 Truths Black And Hispanic People Know, But White People Won't Admit:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not White.
3. Rap music is here to stay
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year child is too big for a stroller.
8. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
10 Truths White And Black People Know, But Hispanic People Won't Admit:
1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.!
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family
10.Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.
10 Truths White And Hispanic People Know, But Black People Won't Admit:
1. O. J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a kool-aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10.Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car
Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 2:52 pm | #51
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This one's really long, but its pretty funny.
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very
quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was
a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll
show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said,
'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned
to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, ' Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat
number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab
sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its
seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for
a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle
seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he
asked the agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very
quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was
a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll
show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said,
'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned
to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, ' Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat
number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab
sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its
seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for
a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle
seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he
asked the agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'
Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 3:12 pm | #52
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I took this one from my favorite movie The Crow:
"Jesus Christ...stop me if you heard this one. Jesus Christ walks into a hotel, he hands the in keeper three nails and he asks....Can you put me up for the night?"
Fucking Classic.
"Jesus Christ...stop me if you heard this one. Jesus Christ walks into a hotel, he hands the in keeper three nails and he asks....Can you put me up for the night?"
Fucking Classic.
Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 5:05 pm | #53
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Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 5:30 pm | #54
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Bahaha. "I mean seriously I hate this game. I mean what the fuck is that...I hate this game."
Re: Re: Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 6:13 pm | #55
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Quote by Noah 9000:
come on evil, tell your bear joke already!
Alright, alright. Since Noah will wet his pants if I don't tell this one. It is kinda long, so BEAR with me. LOL, couldn't resist.
A Bear and a Rabbit are walking together through the woods when they stumble across the infamous Genie Lamp. They both rub the lamp and the Infamous Genie appears. The Genie says, "Normally, since there are more than one of you, I would split the wishes between you, but seeing as you're animals, I will grant you each 3 wishes."
The Genie turns to the Bear and asks the Bear, "Mr. Bear, what would you like for your first wish?"
The Bear gets this cocky grin on his face and replies, "I wish all the other bears, in this forest, were female bears, and I was the only male bear."
The Genie snaps his fingers and says, "It's done." Then he turns to the Rabbit and says, "Mr. Rabbit, your first wish?"
The Rabbit states, "I want a motorcycle helmet. One that is the perfect size for me."
Again, the Genie snaps his fingers, and a motorcycle helmet appears in front of Mr. Rabbit. The Genie turns to Mr. Bear and asks, "Mr Bear, what would you like for your second wish?"
Again, Mr. Bear gets a cocky grin on his face, and replies, "I wish all the other bears, in the Northern Hemisphere, were female bears, and I was the only male bear."
The Genie again snaps his fingers and announces "It is done. Mr. Rabbit, your second wish?"
Mr. Rabbit calmly replies, "I would like a motorcycle to match my helmet. Again, one that is perfect for me."
The Genie snaps his fingers again and a motorcycle appears next to Mr. Rabbit's helmet. The Genie then turns to Mr. Bear and asks, "Mr. Bear, your third and FINAL wish?"
This time, Mr. Bear gets his biggest, cockiest grin ever, and replies, "I wish all the other bears, IN THE WORLD, were female bears, and I was the ONLY male bear!"
The Genie again snaps his fingers and states, "It is done. Mr Rabbit, your third and final wish?"
Mr. Rabbit walks up to his motorcycle helmet and straps it on. Gets on his new motorcycle and fires it up. As he's starting to pull away, he turns around and says, "I wish Mr. Bear was a faggot." as he speeds away into the forest.
Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 6:29 pm | #56
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BAHAHAHAHA, well done pure!!!!
Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 6:41 pm | #58
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lol funny old story
Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 6:54 pm | #59
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A woman is at a bar drinking and depressed. A man walks in later and sits next to her. He too, is drinking and depressed. After a few drinks he leans over and asks her, 'What are you so depressed about?"
She says, "My boyfriend left me because he thought I was too kinky."
He replies, "My girlfriend also broke up with me recently for the same reason. She thought I was way too kinky!"
They order a couple more drinks and she later says, "Hey look, we're both adults here and it looks like we have a little in common.... whatta ya say we go back to my place and see what happens?"
Slamming the rest of his drink, he replies, "Hell yeah, sounds like a great idea!"
After arriving at her place, she says, "Make yourself at home while I go slip into something more comfortable." She goes to her bedroom and proceeds to get dressed in a full-blown leather and rubber S&M outfit completed with a riding crop and handcuffs. She then saunters seductively out into the living room where she sees the guy pulling his coat on while heading for the door.
"Where the fuck are you going?" she asks. "I though we were gonna get kinky?"
"Hey!" he says. "I already fucked your dog and took a shit in your purse... I'm outta here!"
She says, "My boyfriend left me because he thought I was too kinky."
He replies, "My girlfriend also broke up with me recently for the same reason. She thought I was way too kinky!"
They order a couple more drinks and she later says, "Hey look, we're both adults here and it looks like we have a little in common.... whatta ya say we go back to my place and see what happens?"
Slamming the rest of his drink, he replies, "Hell yeah, sounds like a great idea!"
After arriving at her place, she says, "Make yourself at home while I go slip into something more comfortable." She goes to her bedroom and proceeds to get dressed in a full-blown leather and rubber S&M outfit completed with a riding crop and handcuffs. She then saunters seductively out into the living room where she sees the guy pulling his coat on while heading for the door.
"Where the fuck are you going?" she asks. "I though we were gonna get kinky?"
"Hey!" he says. "I already fucked your dog and took a shit in your purse... I'm outta here!"
Re: Want to hear a Joke?
12/15/09 7:02 pm | #60
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^
Oh hell yeah!
Oh hell yeah!
