Interview | November 1, 2013 9:00 am

By AJ

Let's just jump right in. If you didn't understand the title, you will after the spotlight.

AJ: So Chuckles... What's the deal? What took you so long to get in the spotlight?

Chuckles: Hello, my good sir. I have no clue why it took so long for me to be in the spotlight. I've been on the site for a while now and I always saw newer members getting spotlights so I just lost hope and figured it was because I wasn't cool enough. But I'm here now, so muahahaha!

AJ: Hmm... Well maybe if you had friends... Or a commanding internet presence... Or a high gamerscore... Or contributed something... Or friends... Oh, wait. This isn't a roast. My bad.

How about you tell everyone what you're doing here, why you hate EA so much, and how Detroit is (you could tell people a little about yourself too, I don't really care).

Chuckles: Haha. Well, Mr. AJ. I have plenty friends, I think. One of my classmates back in my junior year of high school was how I found the site. He had his gamerscore and state rank in his xbox profile bio and I asked where he got such information, and XBA is where he sent me. I came to the site, looked around, and signed up. This was the very first forum site of I have ever been apart of and I love it.

As far as EA goes, they can die in a fire, be born again, then die in a another fire. I hate them because they banned my original profile (it had 50,000+ gamersore) from the online portion of all their games. So... I can still play single player, but not online on that profile. This really sucked for me because some of my most played online games are EA games like; Battlefield, Madden, and NHL. To make a long story short, this happened because my friend and I ended up being members of a team that cheated on FIFA. I don't even like soccer. We bought the shit because we were bored of our current games. I was banned from EA the day Mass Effect 3 came out, so I decided to make a new profile.

And as my username would imply... I'm from Detroit. I do live in the actual city, not the burbs. It's pretty wild up in here and I believe we had the had highest murder rate last year. The city is broke and it was (still is probably) plagued by corrupt city officials. We have the poorest funded police and fire departments in the US, our cops average a response time of 4 hours, and the departments close their doors at 5pm. Got mugged and beat up at 5:30pm? Okay, well you can tell them about it tomorrow. Also, over half of our streets lights do not come on at night and you can fit Manhattan, Boston, and San Francisco (yes all 3) into the abandoned areas of the city. If you want to see real life Fallout shit, I can give you a tour. You'll have to supply your own bulletproof vest though.

He's not kidding... Google that shit...

AJ: So... If I visit, I should drive a tank or some other armored vehicle, is that what you're saying? Hmm, I want to see it, but I don't... Kinda how I feel about seeing Meta in the shower... Wait. No, that's correct. That's crazy though, I couldn't imagine living in a place that bad. Around my city, the cops are asked to turn people's sprinklers on and off if they're on vacation for extended periods of time. I imagine some of Detroit probably would be very Fallout-esque, with irradiated ghouls like Moon Knight (lots of people won't get that reference).

Well, enough about Detroit. It's bringing me down. You said you play a lot of EA online, mostly sports and shit, right? I don't even know how someone could play the same things over and over... Even ME3 online got old to me after a couple dozen rounds. You frequent any other games besides sports boring-ness? Have you heard of this revolutionary game called Trials something or other? I've been hearing good things...

Chuckles: Well, I play a lot more than just EA Sports games and EA titles in general. But I really do enjoy playing online versus in sports games. Its like my go-to thing when I dont feel like playing anything else. When I'm not bored and actually get on a good gaming streak, I play lots of stuff. When I first started playing Xbox 360 I was just a shooter guy, and I still am. But I love Fallout, Bioshock, Mass Effect, GTA, Uncharted, and The Last of Us. Nowadays, I'll try any type of game. One thing I noticed is that now that I've gotten older and have a busier schedule, I prefer single player games over the multiplayer FPS games I used to be addicted to.

AJ: I couldn't make sports my go to thing. I don't know why, but I just can't get in to playing any type of sport game. The only fond memories of a sport game I can remember enjoying was definitely NFL Blitz on PS1, the simplicity of that game was definitely something that made me keep coming back for more. I remember I tried to complete MLB 2k6 and literally couldn't figure out how to throw a pitch or how to swing the bat... Oh well.

How do you like GTA5? What have you enjoyed most and what do you think Rockstar could have done better?

Chuckles: I love GTA V. When I first heard you'd be playing as 3 people and would switch back and forth I was kinda like, "meh," about it. But it ended up being so well done and makes for hilarious moments when you're just messing around. I once took Franklin to a very large open field then switched to Michael and stole a huge passenger plane. I flew the plane close to Franklin's location then switched back to controlling Franklin. I switched backed just in time to turn and see Michael slam this huge airplane into the side of a hill. A few seconds later he text me saying he just got out of the hospital. I died laughing.

The little details throughout the game are just amazing. Some things I don't like are how easy cops get on you. I mean holy fuck... you can shoot your gun in a empty field in the middle of Buttfuck, Nowhere and you get a star. Another thing I wish Rockstar would have done is add more depth to Franklin. The game seemed a bit too focused on Trevor and Michael's story, which was great and all, but I wanted more of Franklin's back story story too. More stuff with him and Lamar would have been good and more gang related missions would have been awesome.

AJ: Not everyone is a ballin' ass, street dweller from Detroit like you. We want more white collar and redneck backstory, so... Suck it! That is a pretty funny story about Michael and Franklin. I'm definitely going to try something similar. I always end up switching back and forth trying to kill each other. I made Trevor run over Michael. Hilarious texts soon followed. I could go into farther detail about some missions and ways to screw with each other, but I don't want to give anything away if people haven't beaten it yet.

So.. What's the deal with you and Meta always holding hands and shit?

Chuckles: Meta and I have a special relationship. I'd prefer to keep the juicy details private.

AJ: Fine... Don't share any juicy details. I'm sure Meta will spill them in the comments anyway.

So besides GTA, is there anything you're playing and/or waiting for to come out? You going to pick up either of the next gen systems?

Chuckles: The only thing I'm really playing right now is the BF4 beta on my PS3. I promised myself GTA V would be the last game I buy for this generation and I'm sticking to that. I'm really excited for next gen and I have a PS4 pre-ordered off amazon and that will be at my house on release day. I will eventually get a Xbox One later on down the line, I'm also keeping an eye on the Steam Machine by Valve.

AJ: I hear that, I think GTA will be the last retail game I'll buy for the 360 as well. I am closely following Destiny though. That game does look like it has potential to be pretty amazing. Seems like a mixture of Halo, Mass Effect, Fallout, and CoD. Might be amazing, might be terrible.

Have you ever had any moments when playing games for achievements when you just stopped for a moment and thought to yourself, "God, I'm such a douche." If you have, go ahead and tell us about it. It's gotta be gaming related though, I know you're a douche about 99% of the time when not gaming.

Chuckles: Yes I'm quite the douche 99% of the time. You taught me well, AJ. But seriously... I had to really think about this one. I remember being a real dick to my teammates one time in Halo Reach. That game had just came out and a group of was were trying to get that "Skunked" achievement. The requirement for it was to win Invasion in Phase 1. We tried for hours and I was getting frustrated because we'd get so close sometimes. I starting calling people out on tiny mistakes. Eventually one of my buddies told me to shut the fuck up and we argued a bit. The party was all silent afterwards and it sort of hit me how annoying I probably was with the commands. I didn't apologize though.

During the Call of Duty 4 days I always played hardcore, so it was basically one shot and you are done, and you could kill team mates. I cant tell you how many different one day suspensions I got for shooting an RPG into the ground right off the spawn on Search and Destroy.

AJ: I have to admit, I too have been banned multiple times for RPG'ing the ground in the beginning of hardcore modes. That might just be the most fun thing I've ever done while gaming. Let's just promise each other that whoever gets to hell first will save the other a seat.

So, how have things been going at XBA? I haven't really been around much. Any awesome fights, titties accidentally exposed, etc?

Chuckles: Yeah, if I had to make a list of the top most fun things I've done in games, team killing in Call of Duty 4 is close to being #1. It is such a douche move but it's so fucking funny and satisfying when you get the whole team. I would just sit back in silence and listen to people bitch me out with a big ol' shit eating grin on my face, haha. When it comes to XBA, things have been great here as far as I can tell. Meta is still being weird and Snapple is still drinking. We just need you to be around more to rattle our cages.

AJ: Ehh, I'll get back into pissing people off soon enough. I really wish CoD4 MP wasn't completely fucked online. Last I heard people were getting banned just for being in a lobby that was all hacked. I played a couple weeks ago, just some local MP, I still think that game is great.

Well, what else should we talk about? You got anything of importance to say/mention/etc?

Chuckles: It's a real shame CoD 4 went to the dogs. I gave up playing a long time ago for fear of having my stats ruined on Xbox. I played it on PS3 like 2 years ago and my first game some guy made my XP negative and it grayed out the playlist and kept me being able to play online. It really sucks they didn't take care of that game.

Something important I could mention is I am the coolest person EVAR. You could just fire off crazy random question and I'll answer them.

AJ: 1) How many entries do you have in your poop log?

2) How old were you the first time you shit your adult pants (not diapers)?

3) How attractive do you really think Meta is?

4) What base would you let Meta to on your first date?

5) What's your dream car?

6) Why is the sky blue?

Chuckles: As of right now there are 42 entries into the poop log. Oldest one dates back to August of this year. Each entry records approximate length, a small description, and the time it happened. I haven't been using it that much. Not because I haven't been shitting. I still do that everyday, but I just sort of got lazy with the record keeping.

When I was 17 a shit myself. I got really sick. I guess it was some flu or a bug I caught from the mall where I worked at the time. Throughout the day I already threw up a few different times. Normally, when I'm the throwing up type of sick, I always sort of know when it's time to hit the bathroom and just wait. So I waited by sitting on the toilet fully clothed. I figured when the time came (which was soon) I'd just get down flip around real quick and throw up in the toilet. So yeah... that plan didn't work out. The urge to puke hit me faster than it has ever hit me before. This nasty concoction of multicolored gut soup came rushing out of my mouth at hyper speed. There was no time to get off the toilet and do my turn around technique. My best move was to grab the little trash can in front of me. So that's what I did. While sitting there on the toilet and puking in a trash can the poop happened. While heaving this vomit smoothie into the can all of the sudden my asshole opened up like the Gates of Hades and out came a raging flood of brown water more fierce than the '04 Tsunami . I was stunned to say the least. That normal happy relieved feeling you get after a good puke was overshadowed by this disaster in my pants. I didn't know what to do. This never happened before. I'm too old to ask for help in such a situation, even though my grandma was just outside the door drinking her daily beer and watching Maury. I couldn't let her see this and go telling all her friends and sisters, and in turn have all my cousins and shit know about it. So I just sat there and cried for like 2 minutes before my senses came back and I realized I could just walk 5 feet and step into the shower. I showered up and stuff the clothes into the same garbage bag I puked in and threw them outside in the big trash can. AJ, you and the people who read this are the only ones to know.

I'd say Meta is like a solid 8. Depending on the mood, the amount of alcohol, and video games involved... Meta could for sure hit a home run with me on the first date.

I'm sort of a truck guy. Not sure why, though. I would love to have badass Ford Raptor. I also like old school muscle cars. I would love to also have a '67 Pontiac GTO, or a '68 Dodge Charger. Even if I was filthy rich these would still be the vehicles I wanted. No crazy foreign shit that costs half a million dollars or whatever.

They sky is blue because it would be gay to make it anything else.

AJ: I really hope there aren't pictures included in your logs... I'm sure Mindy and Meta would like to discuss them over coffee though (if there are pictures). Or are you perhaps the sole contributor to ratemypoo.com? One may never know for certain (click the link if you dare).

As for your other answers, I'm sure no one is interested. So let us continue and not talk about your bowel movements anymore!

1) Ideal video game character wife (or husband, I don't judge) and why.

2) Have you ever had sexual feelings towards an animal?

3) Do you think Mo the Surfer is really that old, or simply a clever Emu with a computer and internet access?

4) Do you have any questions for me?

Chuckles: Haha! No, there are not any pictures to go with my poop log. I didn't even know ratemypoo.com was a thing until you said something (and yes I visited and yes I spent more than 30 minutes there), so I can assure everyone that I have not nor will I ever contribute to that site, at least not right now.

1) My ideal video game character wife would be Jodie Holmes from Beyond Two Souls because it's Ellen Page.... and well... it's Ellen Page. There are plenty of female game characters to choose from but not many of them seem to showcase those elite wife skills guys want. I mean, like yeah, Lara Croft, Sheva from RE5, or Cammy from Street Fighter are all hot and can kick serious ass, but can they cook a decent meal?

2) No. Unless you count Lola Bunny. I promise I'm not weird....

3) LOLOL! No, I think Mo is really who he says he is. Every now and then he posts something that confirms his age. He also seems like the guy that drops a good Dad Joke every now and then, which is good. Mo and I have clashed in the past over some dumb shit, but I think he's alright, and definitely not an Emu with computer skills. He also has this picture in his profile of him on the couch that's pure gold.




4) Sure I have some few questions. Some are "normal" since you haven't been around much so I don't really know whats going on with you anymore.

So, what's going on with your life in general, any cool stuff you wanna share?

Where do you work/want to work and does it have anything to do with what you went to school for?

Have you ever been caught wanking it?

How many times have you watched porn with XBA on the next tab? Be honest.

AJ: Nothing really cool going on in my life right now. Just the same old grind: eat, sleep, work, weekend. Repeat.

I work at a government facility running the security account there. Been there for just under 3 years, the benefits are great, hours are great, pay is average, and it's somewhat related to my criminal justice/sociology degree.

No, I've actually never been caught flogging the bishop.

I always do my porn surfin' in an incognito window on Chrome when my girlfriend isn't around/available. For everything else Web related I use safari, so I've never had a porn page next to the XBA tab, sorry to disappoint, I'll try harder in the future.

I can't really think of anything else and it's almost time for me to throw this thing together, so unless you have more to add I suggest you say your thank you's and fuck you's.

Chuckles: Well, thanks for finally making me the community spotlight, kind sir. Thanks to the people of XBA for being cool as fuck and I'll give a special shout out to Snapple Cap's mom for being such a classy lady.

AJ: As always, thanks on behalf of the rest of the staff and myself for taking the time to take part in this debauchery. Hope you don't mind having your most embarrassing moment on the internet for the rest of time! And, as usual - enjoy the shades.

Keywords: EA Loves Dick, EA Loves Detroit's Dick, Detroit Loves EA's Dick?