Interview | October 2, 2012 9:00 am

By AJ

AJ: Most people know the member that about to take part in the Community Roast... Err, Spotlight. So, umm... Let's just get started!

Ok ReflectionProgram C (that's as opposite as I could go in regards to your gamertag). You were nominated for October's Roast... I mean Spotlight!

Probably all those sexual favors you performed for Meta, you know he has nothing to do with anything around here, right? He's a little special and we like to make him feel important by letting him do some menial tasks around here.

Anyways, this is about you and not Meta so let's get on with it! You've been around for quite some time, even longer than myself, so why don't you start off by telling everyone how much of a loser you are because you're just now receiving this most prestigious honor! And then if you want you can tell us a bit about yourself and how you ended up here.

Shadow: Whoa, whoa, whoa. All those sexual favors I did for Meta didn't accumulate in me getting Community Spotlight? He told me if I scratched his back he would scratch mine. Let this be a lesson for everyone on the site, when Meta makes an offer that is too good to be true and asks you to get into his van, avoid eye contact, slowly walk away and politely decline his offer.

Four years ago, I stumbled onto this site after I had seen someone on X360A with this cool gamercard showing his rank in America. I was geeked out by that and decided to join the site. I got my gamercard and continued posting on other sites. I started to find myself becoming frustrated with the lack of community at the other site and decided to come back to Xbox America a year and half after joining. I wasn't let down by that decision. I found that this site was very close knit with members willing to help one another out. I was hooked and couldn't resist staying away from this site.

About myself, I'm 32, living in the sunny desert of New Mexico. Born and raised here. At the age of 18 I had enlisted in the U.S. Air Force. I spent the next four and half years traveling the globe. I spent time in England, Italy, Turkey, South Korea, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Iraq and Germany. I had planned on going career, but met a woman that intrigued me and peeked my curiousity. I suckered the poor woman into marriage and have spent the last ten years with her. I have three kids, two dogs and a fish that's barely hanging in there. For the past five years, I've been working in retail. Currently I run the Operations and Administrative business of a major retailer.

I'm into hardcore gaming and whenever possible try to inflate my gamerscore into a respectable amount. The one game I can never stay away from for long is Halo Reach. I enjoy the competition and enjoy partaking in the occassinal T-Bagging that I distribute to the Halo community.

AJ: Hmm, at 32 you've done more living than probably 95% of the xba community combined. I however, fall into that other 5%, just because I've been to almost all the places you listed on vacation. While I'm not married, Mindy and I have decided to have a few kids (she might not know or agree to it, yet. But I figure I'll win her over). But seriously, sounds like you got your shit together, unlike most gamers who make gaming their top priority. Kudos to you.

As far as Meta, I'm sorry you had to go through the sexual torture/abuse that he loves so much. I too have fallen victim to it, so you're not alone. Maybe we can team up and jump him while he's coming home from some party and beat the fuck out of him. Sounds fair, right?

Air Force sounds interesting. How'd you enjoy doing that? I don't really think I'm cut out for that stuff mainly because fuck that, that's why. What was your favorite and least favorite part while you served? Obviously your favorite was being around all the men... Least favorite, when you quit and left all of the men?

Well, I'm going to go out on a limb and say they Halo is your favorite game/series, if I'm wrong feel free to tell us your favorite and what makes it your favorite.

Shadow: I would have to say probably more than 96%. Kidding. I wouldn't say I have it all together, I would say I have a balance in my life that allows me to collect a pay check, conduct my husband duties, father duties and if time permits, some game play time. In my own mindset, I know what my priorities are and in that mindset I never forget that gaming plays an intricate part in my life. Since the age of 5, picking up the controller to an Atari, I've been absolutely addicted to gaming. I remember being a wee little tyke hitting up my Dad for some quarters to play some coin-op games. Not to mention all the kicking and screaming I did to get my parents to buy me a Nintendo. So in this case I can blame my parents for my addiction for caving into my demands and supporting my habit.

You have a thing for Mindy? I don't think anyone on this site could tell that you had a thing for her. Sounds like you have a solid plan, get her knocked up and ensure she is obligated to stay with you. You may want to consider sweeping her off her feet the old fashioned way, start with flowers, opening car doors and some sweet talk. But hey, good luck unlocking that achievement in winning her over. I have faith in you and that you can do it.

For the past few months I've been debating on creating a thread as a means of support for those who have fell victim to Meta's false and empty promises. We were promised great things and only received an onslaught of sexual molestation, embarrassment and ridicule. The part that I find most embarrassing on the whole the matter is that I fell for it, like 3 times. So yeah, at this point, retribution is in order. A team up is a most do.

I think you have the Air Force confused with the Navy. The Air Force was great. I learned a lot and met a lot of people throughout the world. My favorite part would have to be all that Korean pun-tang I got. Me so horny, me love you long time. But in all seriousness, my favorite part was the traveling. I was afforded the opportunity to see many beautiful things while I was abroad. I also saw a few things that I never wanted to see. For instance, while in Korea some friends and I stopped at a club called "Playboy" for some drinks. We should have realized by the name that it was a strip club. We go in, grab a table, order some drinks, enjoy the onstage entertainment. The current act had ended and we were then treated to a couple midgets or little people if want to get P.C. The midgets started performing various acts of magic and tricks. It was entertaining up until the point where they started pulling a rope. At the end of the rope was a donkey. Following the donkey was a stripper. The stripper started stripping then started to arouse the donkey. She then bent over a barrel and just took it, like a champ might I add. As much as it disgusted me, I couldn't stop watching. The physics behind it were mind bending. I left the club feeling disturbed and different.

YES!!! Halo is my favorite franchise. I have sunk hours and hours into the series. I have spent years perfecting the art of T-Bagging. When I drop a sack on a poor unsuspecting victim that is laying dead on the ground, I want them to have a memorable experience. Something that is going to be with them for hours and haunt their dreams. Other favorites of mine include the Mass Effect series. I was so engrossed in the story line. I found it to be very captivating and enthralling. There were moments in the game that had me at the end of my seat. That's the types of games that I love. Something with solid game play, a story that will immerse you into the game, an outstanding musical score and has good replay value. A few other games that meet that criteria in my opinion that had also consumed my time were Final Fantasy VII and VIII, Parasite Eve, Elder Scrolls, Lost Odyssey, Knights of the Old Republic. Those games had some amazing content.

AJ: Mindy isn't that type of girl, she's more of a knock her out and drag her away by her hair girl (which I happen to be very good at, by the way). Anyways, now she'll know what's coming so I'll have to change up my plan. Maybe a Roofie Colada, I think she'd enjoy that.

I bet all the "women" at the Playboy club were all dudes... Oh wait, it was in Korea, not Thailand... But the donkey show, wow. That's something I don't think I'd ever want to see in any form, ever. Meta on the other hand... I'm sure he's into that type of thing! I can't wait to see the comments on this once it's up, they should be... Interesting.

Well, since you wanted to do an entire staff type of spotlight, I'll let another staff member take it from here!

Kat: I should probably start by saying that I'm taking over because it's in XboxAmerica's best interests to not have AJ write any more about his future "plans" for Mindy on the site. Culpability and accessories to the crime and all that. Especially because there's no way that plan will fail- every one knows that all a married woman with kids wants is to be roofie-coladad by a guy who just wants to knock her up. He's obviously helped himself to my "Cougar Life" magazines!

Shadow: In AJ's defense, he is setting goals for himself. They might be out of reach, lightyears out of reach, but they are still goals and for what it's worth, I'm proud of him for setting up those stepping stones for success.

Kat: Agreed. The first step to achieving your goals is to set them. But really, we shouldn’t talk any more about that- Mindy might read it. SOOOO... we’ve been friends for the better part of a decade now (don’t tell me we weren’t always friends- you went to court that one time about a “protection order” and named me in it, remember? Who but a real friend would want to protect me?) but I actually don’t know much about you.

Thanks to AJ I now know you used to be Air Force, and you gave up all the donkey sex that that entailed to get married, have kids and run a dollar store, huh? Sounds like a good life choice. Since AJ got all the boring questions out of the way, that leaves me to do some fun questions (keep in mind my idea of fun may be pretty tame... there's no donkey at the end of my rope).

So what is it about the 360 that has you choosing it over any other consoles? Is it just Halo, or is it your deep, abiding love for Kinect (see, the questions are hilarious already)?

Shadow: Halo of course is the main reason I own an Xbox and continue to purchase them after each one of them fails. I purchased the 360 on launch day and utilized Microsoft's warranty 7 times. I think I've down right purchased 5 consoles. No matter what kind of crappy manufactured hunk of junk Microsoft puts out, I still keep coming back due to the games.

The Kinect was a lot of fun for about an hour. I am waaaaay too lazy to be standing up and moving around. I'd much prefer a controller in my hand, a cold beverage on the coffee table, chips in my lap and my ass sitting on the couch. Games labeled with "Better with Kinect", are about the only games I want to play using the Kinect. You just have to yell at your Kinect and you’re all set. Perhaps if they put some better games out in the market for the Kinect, it might inspire to get off my couch. Unlike Star Wars which was a huge let down. I let my midichlorian count build up in anticipation for this game only to find out that the force was not strong with this one. When I found out that I couldn't slap an Ewok, that game went right back to Gamestop.

Kat: Yes! Star Wars Kinect is absolutely the biggest Kinect disappointment for thus far! I’m so bummed that it was a lot of jumping and swinging an imaginary sword… I was hoping for a Kinect version of The Force Unleashed, honestly. So my career as both a Jedi and a Sith has stalled, sadly. Speaking of careers, if you get fired from your piercing job at Claire's and blacklisted from the retail industry, what industry would you try to break into?

Shadow: When and if I get fired from Claire's (lol), for a botched Prince Albert job, my future job would have to be in the field of Street Pharmacy. You make your own hours. You can wear whatever you'd like. I'd probably sport a long black trench coat with tons of sewn in pockets. As soon as you leave your house, you're at work. The health benefits wouldn't be too bad, if you got sick, you'd just have to dip into your stash. Your customers are always happy to see you. If you get popped, you get to live off the state for a while. It's not too bad of a gig at all.

Kat: I have a bottle of oxycontin that I never used, if it ever comes to that. I have been hanging onto it in case I ever need to trade for a fake passport, but you can consider it a startup gift.

So you’re the CS for October- which is a WONDERFUL month. The leaves are changing, the crisp air smells like fall, getting ready for Halloween, the onset of Cider season… This is definitely one of my favorite months. I know, I know, you’re about to say how much you also love the month of October, and that it’s YOUR favorite month as well so-

Shadow: My favorite month would have to be June.

Kat: See? Just like I said, your favorite month is June! I really feel close to you right now.

Shadow: The month of June has so much going on for me. It's the month where it is absolutely perfect to take the motorcycle out on some long scenic runs. My anniversary month, where me and the wife try to escape to some type of paradise to unwind and rekindle our romance. My first born's birthday month. Anniversary month of enlisting with the USAF. Movies starting to hit theaters. Then of course it’s time to get into some mosh pits and head banging with all the concerts hitting town.

Kat: What are some of the places that you’ve gone with your wife on your anniversaries?

Shadow: In the past few years, we’ve decided to go places. We’ve gone to some various places throughout the U.S. to check out some of the sites. One place we had to go see was Hershey Park. The creation of the world’s greatest chocolate. I’m sure I gained about ten pounds just stepping foot inside of the chocolate factory. Outside the factory they had an amazing theme park. This year we decided to start our theme of hitting exotic and beautiful locations. We started with Hawaii this year and I think our next destination will be the Bahamas.

Kat: What’s your favorite place that you’ve ever been to in person?

Shadow: So far, that would have to be Hawaii. That place was awesome. The sites were amazing, the food was fresh and delicious, and there was so much to do while visiting the island.

Kat: OK, as a happily married man you probably know a thing or 2 about successful relationships. Think about the people on XBA. If you had to be a matchmaker for the site, who are the 3 couples that you think would really work?

Shadow: Hmmm….not a lot of active female members on the site. We should do some massive recruiting for the site to enlist some female members. So I’d have to go with the following:

Mindy and Meta? Two different worlds altogether there. Opposites attract right?

Ashley and for the life of I me, I can’t remember the name of the member who was downright hitting on her in the chat room one night. He gave it a good effort, but appeared that he struck out with her. What was his name Ashley?

Kait and Crawford? A Canadian thing.

Mo and Sigma? Love and Hate type of relationship.

Kat: Despite your deliberate ignoring of me, I assure you- what Meta and I have is special! Speaking of which, if you had to choose a new gamertag, would you choose “Tonsil Tickler” or “Pig Dollar” (It’s what you keep inside a ham wallet, right?)?

Shadow: I think I would have to go with Saggity Ballz, Tesstackle, KnuckleChildren, or FlopAB00B0ut. When I had started using Live, I was required to change my gamertag three times. Apparently StrokeTheWookie, SirHumpzAlot, and DonkeyPunch were considered inappropriate by Xbox Live. So I settled on ShadowMachine X. Xbox Live has no sense of fun.

Kat: Haha, I bet you learned all those things from your time in the Navy (you don't have to lie about your service to us!) Besides "In the Navy," what song best describes your life?

Shadow: The song that best describes my life? Hmmmm.....Closer from Nine Inch Nails? Oh wait, that's my theme song. I don't know if I could pick a particular song that describes my life. I do however take a big interest in music. I'm into rock, alternative, metal, some techno, not to mention that since I'm an 80's kid, I do enjoy me some 80's hair bands. When I say 80’s music I’m talking about some White Snake, Journey and etc. Not so much as Rock This Town from Stray Cats.

Kat: Huh- I would have guessed you were a Belieber, myself. Besides music and games, what other forms of media are you into? Do any TV shows or movies have a special place in your heart?

Shadow: My favorite movie(s) would have to be the Matrix Trilogy. Awesome story line, Kung Fu, killer graphics, amazing special effects, and a good musical score. I loved the use of mythology in the trilogy. The metaphysics on what is real? Followed by the use of epistemology. The multiple aspects of philosophy used in the films. The ending was a little out there if you didn't understand what was going on. But if you paid attention and understood what the directors were doing with it, it was a crystal clear ending.

I can't forget to mention that Goonies was an awesome movie. I say that because there used to be a member of the site who just absolutely loved the Goonies. I think that’s why Melissa left the site, something to do with running an internet fan based website dedicated to the Goonies.

To date, my favorite TV show is still Babylon 5. The show spans five seasons and if I remember right seven made for TV movies. Babylon 5 is a science fiction television series, set in the mid-23rd Century, which takes place on a five-mile-long space station, centrally located near Earth and four other alien alliances. The station was built as a kind of United Nations, to help preserve peace in the galaxy; each of the alliances has an official representative on the station. Unlike most television series, an overall story arc has been planned for Babylon 5 as if it were a miniseries or written novel. Over the course of its five season run, events tell an overall story; hints are dropped along the way that foreshadows events to come. However, each hour-long episode tells an individual story and can be viewed alone. If any member on the site hasn’t seen and is looking for something good to watch, I would highly recommend them to check the series out.

Kat: Well, you lost me talking about episiotomies in The Matrix. Gross, dude. So anyway, why don't you have any cats?

Shadow: I'm probably going to piss off about 69% of the members here when I say I hate cats. They are no where near as entertaining as dogs. The only cats I like are the shaved ones. There is nothing better than a well groomed and shaved pussy cat.

Kat: You don't like cats?? What the-- how do you like being an evil, soulless creature?

Shadow: At first, it was a little awkward going out in public, but then people started to respond very well to the new me. It personally took me a short while to get used to the changes, but I became one with who I was and since then I’ve become a strong advocate with the eradication of cats. Those interested in taking up the cause should visit: http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/420877

Kat: Dude, I'm just... I'm out. Someone else take this guy, I'm not talking to him any more.

AJ: Well, since Meta is too lazy to put in the time to ask you these, he's asked the rest of the staff to ask you these questions on his behalf, here's a few to get you started:

Meta: Who's his favourite Avenger out of the big 6 and why? Thor, Iron Man, Captain Boyscout, Black Widow, Arrow guy, Hulk--am I forgetting one? No Nick Fury doesn't count.

Shadow: WTF? Nick Fury doesn't count? The man has access to a huge arsenal of weapons and toys at his disposal. Not to mention a wicked eye patch. Well if he doesn't count, I'd have to roll with Iron Man. I like expensive toys and suits that can demolish anything in sight. Tony Stark has a life any man could envy. The man is a genius, a billionaire and most importantly, a playboy.

Meta: How tired is he of hearing Rihanna whining over some pop song crap on every radio everywhere no matter how much he tries to avoid it?
　
Shadow: Very tired of it as a matter of fact. Listening to her bitch and complain over Lady Gaga's style or her ongoing comments about Katy Perry's music is just generic pop. It's worse than the campaign ads you see on t.v. As much as you try to get away from them, there it is staring you in the face. Rihanna reminds me of a female version of Kanye. I'm ShadowMachine X and I approve that statement.

Meta: Can he imitate my SWAG and if so, to what degree?

Shadow: What? There is no need to imitate Meta's SWAG. I have my own brand of SWAG. I should bottle it up and sell it as cologne out of a kiosk in the mall. I have a huge amount of confidence which some might interpret as a type of arrogance. Unless he was referring to the Urban Dictionary version of SWAG which is defined as: The most used word in the whole fucking universe. Douche bags use it, your kids use it, your mail man uses it, and your fucking dog uses it. If you got swag, you generally wear those shitty hats side way, and your ass hanging out like a fucking goof cause your pants are half way down your white ass legs. To break down the word, it means (Secretly We Are Gay). It is also a word that means to represent yourself/ the way you represent yourself, baggy clothes, shitty hats, small penis and basically a way to say your afraid to come out of the closet. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=swag . With that definition, I have no intention of imitating Meta's behavior of SWAG.

Meta: What aspect of Halo 4 are you looking forward to more--the "spec ops" missions that will be available as ongoing free DLC, the regular but fresh campaign, or the crazy MP we all know and love but upgraded?

Shadow: I am looking forward to every aspect of Halo 4. The cliffhanger at the end of 3 had me at the edge of my seat. It really bummed me out knowing that I had to wait years to see what events unfolded next. But I suppose good things come to those who wait. From what I’ve seen in the news, there are some very good things coming. Out of all the sexiness of Halo 4 I’d have to say I am more excited about the crazy MP portion of the game. It looks absolutely amazing, not to mention massive. 8 gb storage is recommended to play multiplayer. Yes!!! I can guarantee that most of my time playing that game will be devoted to the art of kicking the dog shit out of the other team. Kat, Meta, AJ, Blackhole, Evol, TK Chillan and a few others had the privilege of watching me dominate the field with such grace and precision. I hope they consider themselves blessed as they witnessed such greatness on the battlefield. Those who have been beaten by yours truly, don’t feel bad, the great Frank O’Conner and a few other Bungie members met their demise by my hands as well. They are the ones who created the game, if I bested them, what hope does anyone else have?

Meta: Lastly: let's say you and AJ do manage to catch me unguarded. What particular weaknesses do you have in regards to, say, easily pokeable old injury spots or disconcerting, nauseating smells? and let's just say for fun that I manage to make it out of the scrap alive, how long do you think it would take for me to try to woo sweet sweet Mindy away from AJ's manly charms?

Shadow: If things go south for AJ and myself in the thumping of Meta, and Meta were to go on this unstoppable rage, I wouldn’t have to worry about outrunning Meta, I’d just have to outrun AJ and if I couldn’t outrun AJ, I’d have to trip him and sacrifice him to Meta. Sorry AJ, but that’s the way it goes. So I’m not too worried about it, I have it all planned out and the plan is bullet proof. If victory belongs to me and AJ, then Xbox America has once again become a safe place for gamers to gather.

I had always thought the hero got the girl? If the evil and twisted Daedric Meta were to be defeated, then I would ride off into the sunset to return home in Solitude and live in peace and AJ and Mindy could multiply like rabbits in their shack in Riften. If by some chance we were in some type of multiverse or some might refer to it as a meta-universe (see what I did there?) and Meta were able to make it out of the scrap alive, then I would imagine it wouldn’t take him long for him to charm and enchant Mindy.

AJ: Ok, well I think that concludes everyone's questions for this CS. Unless you have something else to say or something else to address do it now! This would also be a good time to thank all your minions that you used to vote for you!

Other than that, one behalf of the staff at XBA, I'd like to say thanks for taking the time out of your schedule to answer our questions and put up with Meta on a daily basis. Hope you had as much fun as we did and we hope you enjoy the shades!

Shadow: Wrapping it up, I'd like to thank all of you who took the time to vote and for those who voted for me, you made the right choice, for those of who didn't vote for me, you sons of bitches are going to pay! **cough...sorry minor case of tourettes I developed while playing Halo on Xbox Live.

These past four years on the site have been incredible. I've been witness to some amazing accomplishments gained by some of the members on the site. I've had front row seats to some of the biggest word battles ever fought across the Internet. The greatest aspect of this site is me being afforded the opportunity to make some good friends and developing a few everlasting friendships, not to mention some good boosting buddies. I recently attained my golden waffle with the help of some people on the site, such as Kait, Mini, Crawford, Chaind Insanity, Blunted Fish, Blunted Grinch and quite a few others. Thanks peeps. The other thing I gained while being a part of this site, is a huge amount of knowledge. I can now dissect my 360 with Evol's tips on repair. I found out there is a level of drunken awkwardness from Snapple. I've learned through multiple threads and posts that Trials is the worst game on XBLA and those who have achieved greatness on it are chumps. From what I've understood Canadian Strippers are awesome. I've seen that gamer score competitions should never be attempted on this site again. I've been educated to the fact that there are only 3 Japanese people who own a 360. It's the greatest thing to pee in a pool. I'm still confused on whether Sigma is retarded or just a troll. I guess some things are best left a mystery.

One last shout out, Kat thanks again for giving up your free time and hosting such an awesome event. It most definitely was memorable. It was great getting all the active members rounded up for me to use as target practice in Halo 3. If anyone feels froggy and wants to jump or wants a rematch, such as Blackhole, you know where to find me.

It's been an amazing ride with everyone at XBA and I look forward to what the future holds for this site.

AJ: Since I always have to have the last word, enjoy the shades!

Keywords: ShadowMachine X, Pervy McFlashJunk, Some guy from the National Guard