Interview | July 1, 2012 9:00 am

By AJ

AJ: Well, every male on XBA knew this day was coming. And I'm fairly certain Meta hacked hundreds of accounts just to vote for her multiple times. Well Meta, get your Jergens ready, it's about to happen! Here's how this month's spotlight was picked (not really, but Meta likes to think so)!



Most people know her as LilCuyler, but I recently forced her to become one of the latest first name warriors (at gun point). Her name is Mindy and now she's going to tell everyone out there some shit about herself!


Mindy: Well, as you all know, my name is Mindy and if I were a tree, you could saw me in half and count 33 rings. So there's a good chance I'm old enough to be some of yall's mom. I live in Georgia, about an hour and a half south of Savannah. I grew up with gaming. I think my earliest memory was of my mom playing Atari's Swordquest and hideous orange carpet.

I've been married six and a half years and I've got three kids. I stay at home and keep myself occupied by cooking, cleaning, and making sure we all have clean underwear. I didn't always stay at home though. Before I was married, I worked at a branch of Central Texas College on a nearby military base and before that I did the late shift in a Wal-Mart accounting office. You really haven't lived until you've experienced the weirdness of an overnight shift in a retail store.

I also have a degree in Psychology with a minor in Religion. I don't really know if I'll ever actually do anything with it though. Maybe Meta can take me on a date to Red Lobster and we'll write a sermon celebrating the cheese biscuits. Then I'll analyze him over the entree. We won't be staying for dessert because I am an amateur baker and my cupcakes are insanely delicious.

When I'm not in the kitchen, you can find me trolling the darkest corners of the Internet, writing a rage comic, or enjoying a British comedy (like a sir, obviously).

Pretty hard to burn beer, but I bet she could pull it off!

AJ: Can we saw you in half and check? I don't trust women when it comes to their age... Also, I've heard some horror stories about Red Lobster and their salads, I don't quite remember where I heard that from...

It's definitely good to hear that you mostly keep to the kitchen and housework, I wouldn't have it any other way. But hey, I'm old fashioned. Seriously though, you seem to have quite a bit of things tucked under that size 15 belt (I either think that's small or I'm blatantly calling you fat, fatty).

Also, NEWS FLASH - LilCuyler now appears as Epic Troll Mom on Xbox Live. Obviously my next question is going to be gamertag related, so... GO!!!


Mindy: Ah, regarding my gamertag, a change of name has been a long time coming. I previously referred to myself as LilCuyler, which some of you may recognize as a character from Squidbillies on Adult Swim. But that name never really felt like mine. Recently, I decided it was time to get a truly fitting gamertag, thus Epic Troll Mom was born. Many thanks to AJ for his role in the creative process. I couldn't have done it without you. I live for rage comics and the troll face cracks me up every time. Trolls are great, but troll moms are a special kind of awesome. I am a Troll Mom of epic proportions.

And I was the one who insisted on caution when feasting on a Red Lobster salad. There's nothing wrong with the salad, it's more of a user error within the digestive system. In other words, I ate one and lived to regret it. After an exquisite meal, I had to beeline it to the nearest toilet. Unfortunately, the closest bathroom was at a Walmart off of Interstate-95. It was a photo finish. So, who wants to go on a dinner date with me? AJ, you're into weird stuff, aren't you?

Actual Wal-Mart footage, it was very hard to obtain

AJ: Umm... Kinda, I guess. I mean, yea, sure. I'm up for almost anything, you know that! But seriously, that sounds like a shitty night. Now that everyone is disgusted by your obvious lack of keeping grody things tucked away where no one should ever stumble upon them, I guess I'll wipe the puke from the corners of my mouth and jump right into the next question.

Sorry Meta, but this is going to crush your soul.. Mindy, it's pretty obvious that you're madly in love with me. I won't explain how I know, but I do. But now you can explain to everyone else what it is about me that makes me so irresistible. Probably my stamp collection, but I'm anxious to hear your answer. And when you're done with that I suppose you could tell everyone how you found the site and why you decided to stick around (we don't get many kitchen dwellers [AKA women] around these parts).


Mindy: AJ, you make me vomit rainbows and that's earned you a special place in my little charcoal briquette of a heart. But since I'm stroking egos, it's only fair that I send some love to all the other great xba members, especially Meta, Kat, IRiSH, Minioger and Tig. Your tears sustain me. Also, special shout out to Mo's wife. We had a great adventure in Albion despite me having no headset that weekend.

In my everyday life, I don't get to meet many people who share my interests. It's hard to meet other girls who are into games, but I knew I could find some other uterus-equipped gamers here. I'd like to see more of us join up.

That lovefest above is the reason I enjoy spending time here. I joined in November of 2010. I came across the site while searching for a roadmap for Deadly Premonition, a game that grew on me like a fungus. I lurked in the shadows for a bit, then I finally registered. It took me a while, but I eventually came out of my kitchen to contribute various random thoughts and whatnot. It's nice to be part of something other than cooking a pork chop.

I don't know what this has to do with anything, but it sure is funny!

AJ: Hmm, exquisite. All around great answers to every question. I'm sure there's a few people you forgot who now hate you forever. I too would like to see more uterine equipped members (preferably between 23 and 28 that reside in the Chicagoland area, that's not asking too much I don't think).

Onto more pressing questions, I've played quite a few games with you, mostly big boy/girl games; Call of Duty, Dead Island, some Trials, but for the most part I would always (and I mean always) catch you playing kiddy games. Is there a reason why you stick to games far below your capabilities? Is it just to feel powerful? I just don't get it!

After you're done with that question answer me this - is there a game that no matter how much you play, you will never tire of it and want to play it more? I don't think I've seen you play anything more than 3-4 times so I'm very curious to know the answer to this one.


Mindy: Oh, stop it you... I'm flattered that you suggest my capabilities are above those kiddie games that I play. Seriously though, I find Lego games very relaxing. And I'm such a sucker for the sound of an achievement popping, I turn to kids games for a quick fix. Earning achievements quickly is such a power trip, even if I'm following around a random Disney character or stomping through the swamp with Shrek.

As far as games that I replay for fun, I was really into Lips for a long time. I have all the Lips games and a ton of marketplace DLC. I even bought the 80's disc for a 1750/1750 completion. I've since retired it for the most part because no one likes it when I belt out the tunes in the middle of the night, my primary gaming time. I just recently busted out some Lady Gaga jams at a friend's house. Their home was immediately surrounded by feral cats and I was asked to leave (insert forever alone face). I don't think I'll ever get tired of it, but as a public service, I've put a lid on it.

But for the most part, you're right, I'm a hit it and quit it type of girl. After completion, I don't often revisit games. That's not to say I don't love something passionately though. I am still madly in love with the story of Alan Wake. It's few and far between that I'll play a game without a guide or a plan to get to 1k, but I completely immersed myself in the game without looking up anything. I just wanted to explore it and enjoy it on my own. I think I ended up playing it 4 times through before it was said and done. The gameplay itself is not spectacular. It's average in execution, but I'm drawn to the darkness. And at the end of the day, I think it's a really great love story. (I'm waiting for that seal to yell, "ultra gaaaaaay.")

I also have a major crush on Mr. Scratch from Alan Wake's American Nightmare. He's an amazing dancer and I'm pretty sure he'd take a shine to me too. Or he might just throw me in the trunk and drive away. Either way, he strikes me as a total stud.


AJ: Good ole Lego games. After getting one achievement in Lego Star Wars and a few in Lego Indy 2, I just could not play them anymore. I completed most of the others though. I know that your overall gamerscore goal is 100k, is that something you feel you'll reach eventually or have you given up hope and decided to pursue a career in Trials Evolution?

I also think you have the right idea about Mr. Scratch. I wouldn't mind throwing you in my trunk and driving away (if you know what I mean meme), I do need a cook, maid and a few other things around my place, I think you could handle all that just fine!

Here's a question for you since you're all about the rage comics and meme lifestyle. What makes a rage comic or any comic stand out to you? Does it need a lot of different memes, use of the word le, bad grammar, Dolan or everything I just listed? While you answer all those why don't you work in who your favorite meme is and why.

Phew, that was a lot of questions.


Mindy: I think I'll see 100k eventually. It's my goal to play pretty much anything to get to that point. Maybe I'll borrow your copy of My Horse and Me, if you can stand to be without it. I heard you play it for fun when you aren't on Trials, a game you know I'll probably never complete. I treat it as more of a spectator sport, heckling you or cheering, depending on my mood.

I'd really like to hit the 100k and then just coast along, playing whatever, no goals in mind. Basically, I'll give up C.S.I. games since I really don't care about them, but I'll continue to crush Legos because I like the sound they make when they break (obvious Me Gusta face).

I do confess that I love a well-placed Dolan or Gooby, but there is another feature that makes a rage comic truly exquisite. I love real pictures to be used as tools or props in a comic. Seeing a cartoon doodle interacting with an actual image just nails it for me.

I am seriously into everything meme, but I have much to learn. I've been studying, so I'm always coming up with a new favorite. My longstanding go-to guy is "x all the y," meme. I use this at least daily. Going to the grocery store? Buy all the fruit! Walking Dead on Netflix? Watch all the episodes! I love this meme so much, my daughter made me a Mother's Day card that read, "Celebrate All The Moms!"

I think my real passion is within the comics though. I love the storytelling aspect of it. Some people write in a diary, I make comics. It was truly a beautiful day when my Trials comic was featured. I think I called all three of my friends and bragged about it.


AJ: I heard you really like Planet 51. You might be able to borrow something from me if you complete that, cut ALL the grass, park ALL the cars and so on... Also, join the damn waffle order already, you'd easily hit 100k with all the games the site owns now.

I think this will be the first thing I disagree with you on, however. Correct me if I'm wrong about that. But I actually despise the "x all the y" asshole. I do love his evil twin, though. You know, the really sad looking "x all the y" guy. I don't really know if we can continue being friends anymore... I guess we'll just have to finish the spotlight and severe all communication, forever... Please don't stalk me (ok, maybe a little stalking will be permitted).

Onto more srs bsns. If you had the choice to either be filthy rich, like unlimited money rich and be completely and utterly hideous, like we're talking trolls under bridges would vomit uncontrollably and void their bowels at the sight of you (so basically, a teensy bit uglier than you are now, BUURRRNNNNN), or be the most gorgeous person in the world with the most unbelievable bad fortune of always being penniless and homeless no matter what you did, which would you choose and why? Longest. Sentence. Ever.


Mindy: I recently rage quit Planet 51 and sealed up the envelope to send it back to gamefly. My rage dissipated and I ended up prying the envelope back open. I'll attempt to keep calm and carry on through all ten circles of fresh hell in one sitting.

I'm sure you'd hate being stalked by me (blueberry face). I'd provide seemingly endless attention and smother you with my presence, all in good fun, of course. I'll show up at your job, serenade you with original songs and hopefully stop just short of cooking your pet rabbit. The safety word is banana in case things get too intense. I'll have to stalk someone else (side-eyeing Meta).

Oh joy, I love those would you rather questions! Most of them are first world problems, and that's another one of my meme specialties. So, in this case I'd rather be a beautiful and desolate hobo. That's a shallow and terrible answer, but get ready because I'm about to say something profound (serious cat).

I look back to some times in my past when I didn't have anything to speak of financially. Granted, I wasn't a pauper, but I didn't have excess. All my adult possessions could fit in a small laundry basket wedged in the back of my old car. Those times were some of the happiest for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not a Trump. But it's difficult when you have people come to you asking for assistance because there's just not enough to rescue everyone. I can't imagine it on a level of infinite millions.

I couldn't be the billion dollar troll. If I were, I would be dedicated to charity work and I would educate myself about all the problems in the world. Inevitably I would become so depressed and become a hermit. So I wouldn't be useful to anyone.

That's the serious answer, but serious is boring.

As a gorgeous tramp, I would remain homeless and poverty stricken, but my looks could help provide me opportunities to crash on the sofa of wealthy businessmen or work my way up to middle management in a top quality brothel. I would likely die in my youth because of some dreadful addiction or untreated social disease. Or maybe I eventually age and become average, at which time I'll become a night cashier at a gas station and wait for a trucker to sweep me off my keds. Sounds legit to me.

She could always do ads for extra cash, just look at that smile!

AJ: Hmm, reasonable enough answers. Though Meta would probably find that brothel and you would never be heard from again. While we're on the subject of Meta, I guess now's a good of time as any for staff questions for you!

Meta would like to know if you have any other recipes that are easy to replicate involving dumps (something similar to your Red Lobster story), he also wants to know what you do with your underwarez when you're through with them...

Meta and Kat would both like to know if you'll be their best friend, just remember, the answer to that question could be directly related to how long you'll be alive. *starts sharpening favorite knife*

Kat would also like to know if you love your kids less for aging backwards. Something about her not being able to love an old man rather than a baby. I dunno, I kinda dose off whenever I read anything she posts.


Mindy: I have an absolutely marvelous recipe for delicious granola bars and I'd love to share it with you! It's not at all healthy, so you know it tastes great. I don't remember where it came from, but it's so easy, the kiddies can do it.

You'll need:
2 cups of rolled oats (near the oatmeal in the cereal aisle)
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup brown sugar
1 stick of butter
1/2 teaspoon vanilla (real is best)

In a bowl, mix the oats, baking powder, and sugar together. Stir it up with a fork.

In a separate small dish, melt the stick of butter. You can just slowly microwave it. Add the vanilla to the melted butter. Stir it a bit.

Now pour the butter and vanilla over the bowl of oats. Stir it with a fork until it's all damp with the buttery goodness.

Press the mixture into an 8-inch pan (really, any smallish pan will do). Bake at 325 degrees for about 25 minutes. Cool for a bit but cut while still warm, these do set kind of crispy.

Oh, and always feel free to eat it with your favorite canned pie filling. Just dump it right on top, (I see what you did there) yum.

Now, Meta - if you cook that and post pictures, maybe I'll tell you what I do with my granny panty Hanes Her Ways. Here's a hint... it involves a vending machine in Japan.

And I'd love to be all three of yall's besties so you can rest your knife for now, AJ. Save it, you'll need it when I go on my stalking tour. Believe it or not, there's room for everyone. My friends list is nowhere near capacity, so hit me up if you'd like.

Now, onto Kat's question. My love is timeless and spans all ages, including the very young and the insanely old. That's the classy answer, but here's the truth. I love me some old dudes.

My ideal geriatric would let me drive his rascal scooter as fast as possible. We'd run off to bingo and then hit up a very late dinner, I'm talking dangerously late, like 5pm. We'd stuff ourselves silly at the nearest HomeTown Buffet. But we can't stay too long, we gotta get home and watch Matlock. I'm a lady, so I'll end my fantasy there.

The better the appliance, the better the cook!

AJ: Ha! A lady... If only I had some of our late night conversations recorded you might be singing a different tune, but I'll let everyone continue to believe you have a shred of innocence left somewhere in there!

If I wasn't so God damn lazy, I might (big might) try that granola bar recipe. But I'm lazy, so just send me a couple the next time you WHip up a batch (hopefully you caught that). For those that don't know, Mindy has a pretty thick southern accent so whenever she tries to pronounce anything like; WHip, everyWHere, WHen, (you get the jist) it comes out like Stewie from family guy pissing off Brian. Yes, I do call her out on it and make fun of her every chance I get.



But, I can't really think of anything else to ask so on behalf of everyone at xba, thanks for taking some time out of your otherwise completely empty schedule to answer some questions. If there's anyone else you want to give a shout out to or thank, do it now!

Here's the next edition of the Spotlight Release Calendar, go ahead and set it as your desktop, you know you want to!

If anyone has any questions for Mindy please feel free to ask them in the comments, I would say anything goes but I know the sort of folks we have 'round these parts, keep it someWHere between rated R and X. Perhaps PM her the really raunchy stuff and forward me her answers!

Keywords: Mindy, Cool WHip, Diarrhea, Red Lobster, Murder, Trolls