Why Gears of War is like my on-again, off-again girlfriend...
by I M4ST3R I
I met you one day in November,
you looked so lovely and new,
I tried to take you with me,
damn clerk said, "Not till all pre-orders are through."
I almost kicked him in the nuts,
but ultimately the fault was my own,
I should have put down a couple of bucks,
to make sure I could take you home.
Forty-eight hours passed,
the wait felt like torture,
but when I finally got you home and undressed you,
my insides nearly ruptured.
You were lovelier than I imagined,
with oodles of blood and graphics so gory,
your looks were unequaled,
I just HAD to bathe in your glory.
After a few looks at your Campaign,
I tried multi-player,
I fired my shotgun at some dude,
only to see his guts burst everywhere.
This game looks like a dream,
I pressed "B" with a grenade in my hand,
the darn thing got stuck near my opponent's spleen,
he seemed to really mind.
I had a feeling I should run,
but by then it was too late,
he dove in my direction,
and took me with him to the grave.
He then said some rather mean words,
my sexuality was called into question,
my mother was NOT what he called her,
I really didnt see the connection.
He didn't seem to care,
about what I had to say,
he called me some racist names,
then we jumped back into the fray.
I wanted to look for him,
to make him pay for the things he said,
as I flanked, I thought of a weapon to use,
ah, what better than the chainsaw bayonet!
My victim was in sight,
he didn't realize I was there,
I snuck up behind him,
and revved with lots of flare.
He got caught in the 'saw,
and was promptly shred to pieces,
the next time he spoke to me,
he must have thought I was related to leeches.
I was in love with you Gears,
for quite some time,
your graphics and gameplay,
were quite sublime.
But then you made some changes,
and things weren't the same,
you felt different,
and Epic was to blame.
Why would you change,
something so close to perfection,
I noticed that I,
was starting to lose my affection.
Glitchers were now abundant,
more than ever before,
I can't believe I am saying this,
Gears was now a bore.
We went our separate ways,
I needed time to clear my thoughts,
then my love was renewed,
by something called "Hidden Fronts."
You looked better than ever,
rain's never looked so, umm... wet,
the damn kryll killed me,
I should have never left my bed.
I could play you all day,
or so I thought,
then something crazy happened,
some dude used his Gnasher like a saw!
I thought I'd seen it all,
what the hell has my Gears turned into?
now you have people doing "Kung-fu flips,"
what's next: Jujitsu?
I must leave you again Gears,
but fear not I may return,
'coz the next update's around the corner,
and it may just fix our concerns.
Like the old adage says,
"where there's smoke (grenade) there's fire,"
I will never forget you my love,
I just feel I must retire.
Love, disgruntled chainsawer,
I M4ST3R I
by I M4ST3R I
I met you one day in November,
you looked so lovely and new,
I tried to take you with me,
damn clerk said, "Not till all pre-orders are through."
I almost kicked him in the nuts,
but ultimately the fault was my own,
I should have put down a couple of bucks,
to make sure I could take you home.
Forty-eight hours passed,
the wait felt like torture,
but when I finally got you home and undressed you,
my insides nearly ruptured.
You were lovelier than I imagined,
with oodles of blood and graphics so gory,
your looks were unequaled,
I just HAD to bathe in your glory.
After a few looks at your Campaign,
I tried multi-player,
I fired my shotgun at some dude,
only to see his guts burst everywhere.
This game looks like a dream,
I pressed "B" with a grenade in my hand,
the darn thing got stuck near my opponent's spleen,
he seemed to really mind.
I had a feeling I should run,
but by then it was too late,
he dove in my direction,
and took me with him to the grave.
He then said some rather mean words,
my sexuality was called into question,
my mother was NOT what he called her,
I really didnt see the connection.
He didn't seem to care,
about what I had to say,
he called me some racist names,
then we jumped back into the fray.
I wanted to look for him,
to make him pay for the things he said,
as I flanked, I thought of a weapon to use,
ah, what better than the chainsaw bayonet!
My victim was in sight,
he didn't realize I was there,
I snuck up behind him,
and revved with lots of flare.
He got caught in the 'saw,
and was promptly shred to pieces,
the next time he spoke to me,
he must have thought I was related to leeches.
I was in love with you Gears,
for quite some time,
your graphics and gameplay,
were quite sublime.
But then you made some changes,
and things weren't the same,
you felt different,
and Epic was to blame.
Why would you change,
something so close to perfection,
I noticed that I,
was starting to lose my affection.
Glitchers were now abundant,
more than ever before,
I can't believe I am saying this,
Gears was now a bore.
We went our separate ways,
I needed time to clear my thoughts,
then my love was renewed,
by something called "Hidden Fronts."
You looked better than ever,
rain's never looked so, umm... wet,
the damn kryll killed me,
I should have never left my bed.
I could play you all day,
or so I thought,
then something crazy happened,
some dude used his Gnasher like a saw!
I thought I'd seen it all,
what the hell has my Gears turned into?
now you have people doing "Kung-fu flips,"
what's next: Jujitsu?
I must leave you again Gears,
but fear not I may return,
'coz the next update's around the corner,
and it may just fix our concerns.
Like the old adage says,
"where there's smoke (grenade) there's fire,"
I will never forget you my love,
I just feel I must retire.
Love, disgruntled chainsawer,
I M4ST3R I
