Interview | March 1, 2013 9:00 am

By AJ

AJ: Ok, just a quick story before I start with the usual spotlight Q and A. I found this very amusing. So it wasn't until very recently that I said Beaver's name the way it's saved in my phone's contact list out loud. His first name is Dustin, now whenever I have an xbox friend in my contacts I always put their first name and part of their gamertag. Dustin Beaver... Say it out loud. Get it? I encourage everyone to use this against him until he blocks communications with you!




Ok, let's get this thing started. Happy opposite day, DickGatherer! How's it going? Heard you're in the process of quitting cigarettes, why don't you tell everyone who will be reading this in a month or so how that's going [I've been to his house since he "quit," I caught him trying to hide smoking one]! Then, after you're done spouting off like a sailor with tourettes why don't you tell everyone a bit about yourself.

Beaver: I'm pretty sure DickGatherer is not the opposite of BeaverHunter. By the end of this I will figure out what is and randomly shout it out. I still don't know why you picked me for this over more deserving people but fuck 'em.

Quitting cigarettes hasn't been bad so far. I try too keep myself sedated so when I get a craving I don't go too nuts. Except of course when playing paperboy and the stupid ass windows won't fucking break and the motherfucking breakdancing shithead is in the way when I need more papers to throw. Fuck that asshole.... So yea, mostly chewing gum and pacing around the house to keep myself relaxed. By the time this gets read I'll either be back to smoking or a pretentious asshole who bitches about smokers (hopefully that one).




I'm not big on talking about myself, but I guess that is the unfortunate beginning to all of these things. 35 years young I am. I have 3 cool as hell kids and the laziest dog ever made. I worked for Chrysler for 10 years, "retired" a few years ago I did. I found the 'ole XBA whilst looking for an easy way to get the "Larry Stickyfingers" achievement in Madden 10. I realize now that Yoda-speak, even sprinkled in, is much less effective when read... Anyways back to me. I don't have a current "favorite game" since I'm plowing through a game or 2 every couple weeks. I haven't really had a favorite since back when Call of Duty 4 wasn't broken. Recently though Far Cry 3 & Borderlands 2 were good times (until I got burned out on B-lands). So yea, that's about it. Since I started really playing for achievements I don't get too clingy with games anymore. If this is boring as shit you can show 'em the tattoo...

AJ: So, it's been about a week since that answer you sent me, you still not smoking cigarettes? I bet you've snuck a few. Don't fucking lie, asshole. But anyways, let's try and get all the normal boring questions out of the way so I can really start making fun of you.

Go ahead and tell us what your favorite game has been throughout your gaming career, your biggest gaming accomplishment and why you started achievement hunting.

Oh and don't you go giving things away early, I have to save something to wake people up towards the end of this interview when people are falling asleep reading your answers!

Beaver: Yea I've had 2 smokes since then, but it's gotten way easier. Also I can actually smell and taste things now. Which is good for me but bad for some of the ladies.

Anyway, favorite game throughout my gaming career... huh? What a terrible question. I'm pretty sure there's 738 threads out there with the same question, but fuck it, I'll say Call of Duty 4. Yes, I'm old as dirt and I should have some hipster ironic answer like Galaga (which I love by the way). I have 29 days and 23 hours played online and that was before I gave 2 shits about achievements.

Biggest gaming accomplishment, I guess Seriously 3.0. I got to play with a lot of cool people on the way to getting it (you guys know who you are) but it was depressing as fuck spending that much time on a stupid, yet awesome achievement. It took 9 months to get it and that was a crazy gaming holiday season so I really didn't focus on that achievement until mid January and didn't pop it until June.

My achievement go-gettering was pretty gradual, until I found this place. After I finally burned out on CoD4 I started renting different types of games and getting more and more achievements until I was hooked. I'm a cheap bastard and I feel like I get my money's worth if I get most or all of the achievements out of a game.

AJ: So... You're going to do Seriously 3.0 for me, right? I mean, it doesn't seem like it's that bad. I'm pretty sure you're just over exaggerating. I'd knock that shit out in about 25 minutes. 20 minutes without a poop break. 15 minutes if I don't play with my feet like I usually do.

I definitely agree with you about CoD4 though, I played the piss out of that game. Probably the best shooter on the 360 to date. It was so simple, fairly balanced and the only shooter I could play match-making by myself without getting bored. All the following CoD's are just so ridiculous; all the killstreaks, new weapon attachments and hackers just make CoD "meh".

Well, let's see. I don't want to bust out the tattoo fiasco just yet. Although, that is pretty fucking funny. For people that don't know, I've been to your house a few times and met the most important person in your family, hands down. Nala. I have a picture of you that I'll be putting in the interview, it kind of looks like you're trying to put some sort of apparel on her (a blackhawks jersey). Care to tell everyone a little about her? She's way more interesting than you, I think people will enjoy it!




Beaver: I'm glad you changed the subject because I really don't like to talk about myself. Yea, Nala is definitely the ruler of the house when my kids aren't here (that role is then played by my daughter). I really don't know where to start with Nala. She lays in bed most of the day watching cartoon network. Adventure Time, Gumball and American Dad are her favorites. She sleeps in my memory foam bed and I sleep on the couch (when I sleep)... Because she said so. Despite being a rottweiler, she purrs like a cat. I think you heard it the first time you were here, kinda sounds like you're about to lose your face but she's smiling. After she takes a shower she gets a ham sandwich while drying off. She was raised to "shake" for treats which has gotten out of control. When she gets out of bed and wants a treat she comes to me and puts her paw up. Meaning get up and give me a fucking treat, asshole! She also gets a treat when she comes back from crapping at the neighbors so if she wants Milk Bones for dinner she will just go out 15 times in an hour and get full. That was a Jonathan Toews jersey I was trying to get on her, but the sleeves were too long and skinny. Baseball and football jerseys fit her much better but it's not the season anymore. I think that about covers it...

AJ: Yea, that dog is the shit! Scared the shit out of me the first time I went to pet her and she started growling (purring as you call it). I thought I was going to lose an appendage! But seriously, is there any way I could just interview her instead of you? You could probably just have her walk on your laptop keyboard or drool on your phone.

I guess for the time being I can get back to interviewing you. So, what are your thoughts on the Nextbox? I know much of the specs are just hearsay and rumors, but go ahead and tell us what you think. What are you going to do if gamerscore doesn't carry over?

Beaver: She slipped on the ice and fucked her leg up so I have to carry her outside and back into bed now so she's not doing interviews. I figured you would just compile hilarious profane text messages instead of actually asking questions. I guess your journalistic integrity is still intact. All I want from the new box is for my shit to run faster and not freeze up EVER! I could give 2 shits about blu-ray since you can get those on the cheap now and I only put games in my system. I'm sure any new graphics/physics engines will be phenomenal. Other than that, I don't know, maybe more ads plastered all over the fucking thing instead of putting them in their own tab.

If gamerscore, for some absolutely stupid reason doesn't carry over I'll probably just pick a game or two to play and enjoy gaming again. Of course that would be after I take a trip to M$ headquarters and drop a deuce at the front door.

AJ: Aww, poor dog. You should probably just let her shit wherever she wants now and give her treats for that. I mean, she already gets a giant ass bone for doing just about anything.

I totally agree with you about gamerscore. There's no way that shit would not carry over. I would murder everyone even remotely associated with Xbox.

Wait... What?

Moving on...

Scenario: You're in prison for a 25 year stretch regardless of your actions while incarcerated. You have to pick a male video game character cell-mate, a female video game character for conjugal visits (or male, if that's your fancy), any character(s) for prison guards and a single game based weapon to help you with your escape attempts. The weapon cannot be anything you couldn't physically carry.

And... Go!

Beaver: What an odd little question. Anyways, I would pick Kirby for my cell-mate because I don't think he's capable of dude rape. Also because he's pink and has wonderful suction power. For my female visitor, it would have to be Cereza (Bayonetta). I don't think I need to further explain that one. For the guards I would want the Goombas from Super Mario Brothers since they are stupid and die when stepped on. For my escape attempts though, I would go ahead and blast the shit out of them with a boomshot or slice 'em up with a lancer.

AJ: What can I say, I try to keep things somewhat fresh around these parts. Sometimes it's hard thinking of questions outside the norm. Oh well, let's keep things rolling.

Besides boring Gears 3 Seriously 3.0 for months on end, what would you say is the most ridiculous thing you've done obtaining a single achievement?

After asking this, I'm curious as to what the most insane thing I've done for an achievement would be as well.

Beaver: I never had to blow a tranny midget clown if that's what you're asking! I would say anything having to do with Kinect is the most ridiculous shit ever. It's impossible as a grown dude to not look like an asshole jumping around your living room and running in place. Pretending to pet fake animals and using a chair with a hoodie for 2 player achievements because my kids don't even like most of those games. Another wasn't really ridiculous, but when boosting rank on Dirt Showdown I was in ranked matches with the trigger taped down for long stretches and when I went to check on it I had gotten several messages asking if I was alive which was kind of funny. Now that I think about it I should've replied something horrific indicating I was, indeed, dead.

AJ: Wow, that's a pretty specific event to say you've never done... I don't really know what to think of you now. What a terrifying image. Tranny midget clown... *shudder*

Well, I think it's about time to unleash the tattoo on the community. Remember, for Meta's sake, don't leave out any details no matter how graphic they may be.




Beaver: The tattoo was brought up a few months ago in a thread when I thought it was getting fixed, so some people know the story. Unfortunately, I have to leave out a few details but no one will notice what's missing. Other than a few left out things I assure you it's entirely true, so here goes:

It's Christmas Day 2011. For the nosey peeps out there, I have my kids on X-mas eve so I do all my family shit that day and x-mas there is a gathering among me and some friends. This particular day the Bears and Packers were playing each other so shit got out of control pretty quickly. By the end of the first quarter we were on our 3rd bottle of Jameson and almost done with a bottle of nasty ass Cuervo. I had been chatting with a "dancer" friend who mentioned that her sister does tattoos (I believe she was showing me hers at the time this came up). I thought it would be a great idea to go visit lil sis and get one done finally. Cut to "dancer" friend's house about 30 minutes later. We agree on a goods for services agreement and she traces it on and fired it up. Being really intoxicated when I looked at the tracing I didn't realize it was backwards. After it was done I looked in the mirror and it looked AWESOME (to party time me). I did not know until 3 days later when a friend noticed it and I realized the reflective properties of mirrors had duped me. At least now I didn't feel bad about puking Jameson all over my "friends" car... Long story short, I got a backwards tattoo done drunk on x-mas at a stripper's house from her sister.

AJ: That sounds awesome! Will she do a backward backward Yankee emblem for me?! Seriously though, that does make for a great story. You should probably just leave it the way it is. I bet a lot of people wouldn't even notice. I know I wouldn't have if you didn't mention it before you showed it to me.

I'll transition to a couple of the other staff and their questions now.

Kat: What kind of gun do you use to hunt beaver? Is it important to preserve the pelt, or do you just destroy it (I'm asking for... a friend)?

Beaver: I don't use a gun, I'm more of a trapper. Catch and release actually, to be more specific. All beavers are different, some need a good pounding and some are less agressive so it's important to be gentle with those. You never want to destroy the beaver as you may want it later.




Meta: Do you like the song "Wynona's Big Brown Beaver" by Primus.



Beaver: I had never heard it before so I looked it up and yes I do. It's a pretty catchy tune and the video is a little crazy. Pretty much anything with a reference to beaver is A-OK by me.

AJ: Well, all that should wrap it up! Any last thoughts?

Beaver: Squirrel?!?!?! So are we done? If so, I'd like to thank the ones that voted for me and the much more deserving members who hopefully at least got a chuckle out of it. And of course the smelly pirate hooker AJ, for randomly picking the most not giving a fuck asshole around to talk about myself. Hopefully I can avoid the curse of the spotlight and stick around a while longer (where's Lou?).





AJ: Well on behalf of the staff here at XBA, we thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule (busy my ass) to do this interview. Hope I didn't hurt your feelings too much! As always, enjoy the shades!

Keywords: BeaverHunter, Beaver, Hilarious Tattoo, DUSTIN BEAVER!!!