September's Community Spotlight: Slimy Money!
Interview | September 4, 2011 11:28 pm
By Melissa Evol
By an overwhelming majority, the unwashed masses chose their
Before I sat down with Nick, I did my homework. I studied his internet dating profiles, ran a background check through his local police station, followed him around for a few days (from farther away than 50 yards, NICK, so your restraining order can bite me!), called some of his ex girlfriends, and let myself into his bedroom at night to sleep in his bed when he wasn’t home. However, my lawyer has advised me that it’s not in my best interest to share what I’ve learned from that 5 years of my life, and I may have already said too much... so I was forced to actually ask him questions about himself to do this interview.
Melissa: Tell us about yourself- how old are you, where do you live, what do you do for a living, what is your favorite sports team, do you have any pets, what’s your favorite color- but be concise! I’m going to cut you off after 20 words... in fact, why don’t you just list off 20 words that you feel have to do with you in some way?
Nick: A 24 year old Bruin wearing Red Sox, walking along Virginia Beach, decides he hates his job as a salesman.
M: Technically, that may be 21 words, since 24 is actually written twenty-four. I’ll allow it, because no precedent has been set in this area. So you’re from the East Coast, then? Do you love America? Would you call yourself patriotic?
N: Do I love America? Well, that's a loaded question. You see, when two people love each other babies are made. After a while, the two people might not technically love each other anymore, but they still may tend to gravitate to one another in a desperate need for an occasional BDSM partner; maybe a little nude backgammon? After a while of still hooking up drunk at 5 a.m., one person might fall back in love. So even though America doesn't love me anymore, I still love her. Am I Patriotic? YES! I am a Gun Owning, Truck Driving, Primary Voting Republican. I'm a member of the NRA, A SAR, A member of the Coast Guard Auxiliary, And of the anti-French Foreign Legion.
M: Well, I’m sorry to hear that you have SARS... and I’m SOOO with you in the anti-French sentiments.
The only good things that they’ve given the world are eclairs, and their word for VCR- magnétoscope, which is just REALLY fun to say. So besides slaying Frenchmen, what is your dream job?N: I'd have to say the monster from Cloverfield. How awesome would it be to just tear the shit outta New York whenever I want.... Not even a nuke could stop me!.... but ok, now for a totally REALISTIC answer. My dream job would probably be a Ghostbuster! Ever since I saw those two Ghostbusters training films from the 80's I've always wanted to be one. Catching ghosts, living in a firehouse, girlfriends that can float and knowing the mayor on a personal basis.... WIN!
Weren't the Ghostbusters always poor??
M: Well, I think I know where this is going, but... If someone gave you a million dollars (after taxes) what would be the first thing you buy?
N: Kevin Costner's Trimaran from the motion picture Water World. Then I'd sail that thing all over the place.
REALLY???
M: Wow, after your previous answers, I honestly thought you were going to say you would pay to be cryogenically frozen next to Walt Disney. Oh well... Do you agree with the following statement?
“Everyone who drives a Mustang is a girl.” -Henry Ford
N: I do. I think the only truer statement is follows:
"The worst type of man, is the type who loves both squirrels and mustangs, for that is a man who can't decide if he wants to be a rodent loving man, or pony riding girl" - Genghis Khan
M: I don’t mean to criticize, but what do you feel it says about your self esteem that you identify with Danny Glover on a personal level?
N: I don't. I'm not Black, Balding, and have never told anyone to physically beat Oprah Winfrey. I do however identify with Mel Gibson, which only says that I'm a verbally abusive alcoholic. What does it say about your self esteem that you identify with Joe Pesci?
M: Oh, I don’t. I identify with Danny Glover (I’m a family guy, an enabler and frequently too old for this shit), which means the correct answer to the above question was “It says I’m AWESOME." I’m more interested in why YOU associate me with Joe Pesci... but whatever. Have you ever watched a soap opera and felt like it was describing your life?
N: Well while I was in the hospital once, the show General Hospital came on, and at first I thought what a coincidence! but as it turns out, General Hospital has nothing to do with a hospital. I have however seen a few episodes of X-files that I thought could describe certain aspects of my life. One in particular features Mulder and Scully appearing on an episode of Cops..... and since I've been on the show cops...... yeah
M: I saw you on cops... you were that guy in the wifebeater, right? The one who was punching the prostitute? Don’t worry, she got what was coming to her. So now that you’ve taken us off topic, let’s get to gaming. (It’s what this site is about, duhhhh) When did you get into gaming, and how?
N: As far as I can remember I've been playing video games. My earliest memories include Duck Hunt ( My father wanted me to practice shooting at an early age) playing the game Hook based on the Spielberg film for the SNES (My grandmother wanted me to learn about Peter Pan), and Super Mario Bros.
My mom originally played Super Mario Bros. with me the first few months we had the SNES, but as time went on, she became more like a head coach, and me the quarterback. She would tell me how to play, what to do, when to jump. To this day I have memories of my mom forcing me to play Super Mario Bros. until 3 a.m., yelling at me to "stop crying" and "show Bowser who's Boss!" "But Mom, my eyes hurt and my thumbs are numb." "Man up! Princess Peach can't save herself, if you don't start breaking those blocks I'm gonna throw the T.V. remote at you!"
She did.
I was 6.
Seriously, how much would a grandma have to hate a kid to make him play this???
M: Awww, there’s so much love in those stories... Gun crazy dad, grandma who wanted you to wear tights and anger management drop out mom... Those are the kind of stories my son will one day tell. So now that you’re older, and no longer bullied into gaming by your parents, what kind of games do you like?
N: I tend to lean towards shooters, sports, and action adventures, but lately I've gotten bored with them. I'm trying to Broaden my horizon with Candyland, Apples to Apples, and Nude Backgammon with my ex-gf America.
M: When nude backgammon comes out with achievements, you let me know. Until then, I won’t punish my husband by taking my clothes off when we’re playing. So what game are you most looking forward to this year?
N: MW3, BF, Batman: AC, and obviously Skyrim!
M: Yesssssssss!!!!!!! Will you buy me a copy of Skyrim?
N: Will you buy ME a copy of Skyrim?
M: Whoa... someone let a delusional parrot in here... I’ve long been called a number of things on the site- wonderful, beautiful, possibly lesbian, one of the world’s most intelligent women... how do you feel about those, and can you think of any you’d like to add?
N: What do I think of those? It's probably a safe bet that one of the world's most intelligent women is wonderful, beautiful, and possibly a lesbian. You never told me what you've been called on this site.... But if I had to describe you i'd probably say that you're most like the site's Den Mother. Which would make me like the Den Uncle?
M: Well.. no- I mean... I’M the one calling me those things... I’m trying to get them to catch on, but it’s not working. People seem to like a few shorter words to describe me better.
Anyway, you’ve been a member of XBA for years and years (since 2008, actually). Out of all the sites on the internet, you keep coming back to this one. What is it about XBA that keeps pulling you back in?N: I've been a member and a staff member on a lot of different sites, I've found that lately the other sites around the web are complete pieces of trash. If they don't suffer from horrible functionality, lack of users, or a staff that is entirely composed of Nazis and brain dead cabbages, they suffer from all of the above. XBA seems to have found it's identity, It works, has a solid population and the staff is generally doing their job.
M: Yes, so-
N: Oh, and the community, I've found that the friends I've made here are just that, FRIENDS. They actually care. While I was absent from XBA, all of my XBA friends frequently checked up on me, wondering how I was, etc. It made me feel like I was <3ed!
M: Sounds like-
N: Stop interrupting me! Now, as I was saying, we all know most of the noobs get some heat thrown their way, but if they soldier through it, one day they can become prominent members. I myself was one of those noobs back in the day.
M: I totally agree. You were a noob. Haha, good times. Also, this site does have BY FAR the best community, and staff. I consider a lot of people from here friends as well (and some I consider “husband” ), which is really awesome for an internet forum. Speaking of relationships, if you could be in a relationship with any character from any game (male or female, I’m not here to judge) which character, and why?
N: Either Meryl Silverburgh from Metal Gear Solid- she's hot, smart, brave and willing to be with a man who has a few problems- or Miranda Lawson from Mass Effect 2- she's hot, smart, brave, and man.... that accent is WIN!
M: Well, now, I officially know too much. I'm ending this interview now before I get any mental images that I can't scrub out of my brain (#NicklickinghisTVwhileplayingMGS). Is there anything else you want to say to your adoring public, or any people you want to thank for helping you along your climb to the immense peak you now stand upon?
N: Well, I'd like to thank you ma'am, for interviewing me, it's the first time i've ever gotten to answer questions like this and not have to wear handcuffs!
M: Well, that part comes later-
N: I'd also Like to give a shout out to My Crew: Melissa Evol, AJ, Xmike, Irish, TheEvol1, and Ab Intestato! A shout out to my good friends Krob, Minioger, Bovice, and Bay! A special thanks to Jackson for creating this site and allowing me to run all the OFFICIAL XBA fantasy sports leagues. A thank you to all the members that voted for my searchbar idea way back when that got me my brainstormer! And everyone else that's ever +1'd me! Don't feel bad if i didn't mention you by name, I'm running out of my word count!
"I don't lie, I love you all, I do"- Senses Fail
M: OK, that concludes the non-handcuffed portion of the interview. Thanks, Nick, for being awesome, and thanks to Mini for letting me verbally rape Nick this month. If you have any more questions or comments for Nick, leave them here and he'll be
Keywords: FWWFYU, community spotlight, Nick, Mustangs are for girls, Melissa is awesome
I just wish we'd been friends back in March of '09 when I was down in Hampton for a weekend of Phish concerts. We coulda threw back some brews.
